Who Needs Sleep?

Now I lay me down not to sleep, I just get tangled in the sheets, I swim in sweat three inches deep, I just lay back and claim defeat.

So I’m sitting here trying to fall asleep.  I purposely tried to go to sleep at 10 and that has apparently been an epic fail because I’m still lying here awake (edit- I ultimately fell sleep around 2 am only to wake up at 6 am to sit in traffic on my way to Westport and be 8 minutes late for my first day at my new job.)  And I honestly think I feel more awake now than I did when I went to bed.  Frankly, it’s annoying. Really. Super. Annoying (Totally Fucking Annoying) I don’t understand why my brain insists on working this way.  It waits until I want to fall asleep to think about every problem in the world.  I can’t stop it from happening and I don’t think I can mix sleeping pills with my meds.  Going to have to ask about that at my next appointment.

Speaking of appointments, I have to reschedule mine for this week and that’s half of my problem. (Edit- I almost forgot to reschedule my appointment, I was driving a boat from Norwalk to Westport when I remembered to call.) I’m over analyzing everything in regards to my appointment.  All the things I need to do, all the things I need to say and trying to make sure I do not forget anything I want or need to talk about.  Lately, I have the memory span of a goldfish and it is making things much more difficult than it needs to be. Writing things down can help a bit, but only so much.  I feel incredibly dumb and annoying when I ask someone the same thing over and over because I do not remember asking them in the first place let alone remember their answer.

I remember reading somewhere when I started looking into PTSD about memory issues caused by PTSD.  I’m not talking about TBI because I do not have it and it is an entirely different animal I have very little knowledge about.  I’m talking about how the chronic stress caused by PTSD can contribute to an observed decrease in declarative memory deficits and then something about hippocampus volume.  Though I likely got that second part wrong. It made me look further into it.  I’m far from an expert and can only speak about what I’ve read and personal experiences. That said, PTSD can have severe effects on the hippocampus, causing problems with transferring short-term to long-term memory. Since there seems to be no one way that someone’s memories can be affected by PTSD, it’s kind of hard to compare notes.

While I’m over the facts related to my divorce, one of the frustrating things toward the end was constant arguments about me not remembering things.  It’s hard to stomach being faulted for something you cannot control.  That whole short term to long term thing kicks my ass if I don’t write it down.  It’s gotten worse over the last view years (something I noticed in reflection after the fact) and it seems really bad lately.  I cannot remember what day it is half the time or even remember if I took my medicine.  I don’t really like discussing this because of anything ever happens it could likely be used against me.  But it is ultimately more important for me to share it than it is to hide it.

So what do I do?  What can I do?  I have no freaking clue.  I know I’ll keep going to my therapist at the VA and working on stuff.  Maybe that will help.  I’m going to work on a better way to write things down.  Writing things down helps as long as I remember to write it down in the first place. Maybe there is an app to help?  Going to have to look into that tomorrow.  As for me going to sleep, the problem I had that started me on the path to writing this, I’m still not sleepy.  But I am going to try again. I’ll edit this and post this later today (it’s after midnight now) and I’ll have some time after work tonight.  Well I will assuming I haven’t forgotten about something. (Edit – I didn’t forget about anything.)

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