Who am I?

I won’t apologize for who I have come to be because who the hell am I if I can’t be me.

So who am I?  I have been asking myself that question for a while now and I am disappointed that I do not know the answer.  I know what I feel like on a day to day basis.  I know that some days I feel like I am drowning from the moment I wake up until the moment my eyes close.  Some days I think I feel like I am myself, or at least some form of who I think I should be.  Other days I barely keep my head above water.  Quite a while ago, and yes I am aware I have not been posting much, I wrote about getting off the variety of meds the VA had put me on.  I wrote an entire untitled post about stuff about it.  In May of last year, I stopped taking the meds against the advice of those at the VA and did just fine.  I kept my head above water for a long time.

Three days ago I actually asked them to put me back on them.  I am tired of just barely staying afloat.  I am tired of second guessing myself.  I am tired of sucking at being an adult.  I am tired of forgetting simple shit.  I am tired of being tired.  I took nearly a month to admit to myself and convince myself to go.  I made it 250 days and it pisses me off that I need them again.  Yes, I realize there is nothing wrong with needing them.  I have heard all the comments from those who have shared them with me.  To quote myself from 250 days ago, “I needed to know who I was without them and I wanted to know. I was going to find out with or without the support of the folks at the VA.”  250 days and I still do not know that damn answer.  It is elusive. It sucks and I do not like it one bit.