I have found that my mind has been wandering since I woke up this morning. I cannot stop it from happening. Even as I sit here in my backyard watching my boys play in a leave pile my mind is in overdrive about everything else going on in my life. I know that things are taking a toll on my boys, I cannot conceive how it would not be. I know that their mother and I have distinctly different views on things and I can tell that some battles are because of the way she does things. I am also going to go out on a limb and guess that she gets some of the same flack on her end. I find it difficult to “co-parent” when the little things cannot really be discussed. Equally difficult are situations where one party views things one way and the other sees them differently.
It makes for some troublesome conversations. It is a fear of mine that things I’ve done or mistakes I have made in my life will affect my boys or even worse, be taken out on them. It just makes me sick to my stomach when those thoughts creep into my head. I started to write this post over a week ago but I just did not want to think about it anymore. Even now, on the train ride to work, I do not really want to write or think about it. I know that my intentions are good and that as far as I can control they always will be. One thing I am looking forward to is going to a PTSD and parenting group that I can take at the VA. I hope to get into the first one that starts after work takes its winter hibernation. Maybe the group will alleviate some of my fears and concerns.
On a different note, some days I feel absolutely bulletproof. Some days, yesterday, for instance, I feel as far from bulletproof that you can be. I did not even want to get out of bed yesterday. The demons in my head had me wrapped around their finger before I even made it out of bed. That makes for a very difficult day for me. I think I was more exhausted yesterday because of how hard I had to fight myself just to function than I was from work itself. Days like yesterday my mind wanders to things I do not want to think so extremely quickly and I have to focus and refocus myself many times a minute just to do what I need to do. I barely made it out of the house with my wallet and everything else for the day. I actually had to go back for my wallet. I tried to forget it. It just started my day of even worse than it already was.
Some days it is just so easy to become overwhelmed. Some days you would rather not have to relive over and over. Some days just suck.