The D Word

So as of Tuesday, I’ll officially be divorced. It’s a difficult concept to wrap my mind around and I it is not something I believe I fully understand yet. It has been talked to death in my personal opinion. Everyone who counts has weighed their opinions. Some opinions were valued, some were not. Some opinions have helped guide the decisions I have been making. Most have helped guide my decisions, just in different ways, I guess. This divorce and all the stuff that comes along with it; none of it was my choice. I actually thought that everything was getting better when I got a text message saying she was on the way to the courthouse to file for divorce. Yup. You did read that correctly. I said a text message. That’s how I found out I was getting divorced.

I do not have any heartache with why my soon to be ex-wife chose to divorce. I understand her reasoning even though I may not agree with some of them. I fully support and agree with my role in the breakdown of our marriage, while much wasn’t exactly within my control, it is still my fault that these things happened. That being said and as I’m told over and over again, it takes two. It is not just my fault and it is not just her fault. What I honestly get frustrated at is the timing of her choices. When I finally start to fix the problems I have and seek the professional help to do so, she jumps ship.

If I was suffering from cancer or some other similar medical issue should she have left or made the same decision that she made? Why in regards to a mental health issue, one that is responsible for the things she has a fault with did she make the decision to divorce me? I mean, she is divorcing me because I have PTSD and have had it longer than I have known her. If she wrote down a list of things that I’ve done wrong in our marriage, save one or two, they are all symptoms of PTSD. They are all things I cannot control at the present time and they are issues I may always have to battle with. Therapy and meds do not always fix it.

One argument that has been made over and over and the one that I believe she based her ultimate decision on is that I am not the same person she married. Well upon a significant amount of pondering and reflection I find that she is 100% correct in that assessment. Even if you add in the normal growth of a person and a relationship, she is still correct. The simple fact is that my PTSD symptoms have progressively worsened over the years. One of my stuck points in therapy is that I wish I had fully recognized my issues sooner and dealt with them sooner.

My ultimate problem with this stuck point is that I firmly believe that as a person, as a human, a father and as everything else I am, I was not ready to address these issues or my PTSD until now. I believe without a shadow of a doubt that any attempt on my part to address my PTSD before now would have ended in epic failure. I believe that it simply would have made my problems worse and further driven me down into the depths of depression I fight to stay out of.

So why am I writing and saying all of this? Well, the first reason is that I hate talking to people about stuff like this. Writing it down means I don’t have to say it. Beyond what’s written on this page, the rest of the situation is nobody’s business and it will remain that way. The second reason is that I harbor strong resentment for how and why this divorce is happening. That resentment is locked in a battle with the understanding and reasoning behind her decision that I agree with even if I do not like them. Most days I can keel the resentment at bay. On some days when I’m already having trouble keeping my mind straight, that resentment turns to anger it doesn’t always leave my mouth in the most appropriate manner.

I hope that I can reread this and keep my resentment in check. Regardless of my feelings, I’ll be divorced on Tuesday and she will move on with her life. At some point, I will be ready to move on with mine. I’ve managed to keep all of this from worsening my mental health. I’m not entirely sure how, but I have. How do you give up something you love and you have worked hard for? How do you just let it go?

When I figure out the answer I will let you know.

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