Struggle

Today I forgot both my hat and sunglasses.  As I sit here on the train, riding backward, the morning sun is glaring into my eyes and it is driving me nuts.  I was rushing this morning to make sure my kids were given their allergy medicine so I don’t have to listen to a lecture from my ex-wife.  I have noticed that I can only ride the train if I am facing backward.  If no backward seats are available I find a spot to stand backward.  I guess it’s the only way I feel comfortable on the train among all of these other people on the train.  I am just weird like that.

One thing I do not get about divorce is why people feel the need to make things difficult?  The way I see it, you made a choice that you need to live with.  Why do you need to waste time still focused on the person you divorced.  Maybe with other things I deal with, it was very easy for me to detach myself from the relationship and move on.  As I have stayed on several other occasions, I harbor no anger, no hate, and no resentment towards my ex-wife about her filing for divorce.  It happened.  Nothing will change her mind or change the situation so why try to change it.  I got over it.

I will not sit here and say I do not get upset or angry at things that have happened since because I do.  While I’ve learned to prevent her from pushing most of my buttons or triggering reactions I know she wants to see, there still seems to be one area where she still gets to me.  That area involves my children and it drives me up a wall that I cannot seem to stop her from getting to me through them.  I will learn.  Hopefully, it does not take too long.

I know this post is a little varied in topics, at least it was in the beginning, but sometimes just writing works best for me.  I seem to have settled into a topic and I wrote a little about it.  I stopped writing about that topic even though I have a lot more to say about it.  I have noticed that I have become much more protective of the relationship between my children and myself.  I have even talked about it at length in therapy.  It is not unhealthy so I am not going to change it.  My kids are too important and honestly, they are the reason I still walk this earth.  If they were not around, as I have said on previous occasions, I probably would not be around either. Maybe that is why she can still get to me through them.  I do not really know, but I will never stop loving my kids and cannot see myself becoming less protective of my relationship with them.

Beyond my children, I have noticed I’m protective of my relationships with a few different people.  I value these few people and in the last year or so, they have truly shone me how important they are.  At the same time, there are other friends who I’ve realized are not as important. Nothing against those people.  I still consider them friends, they just do not fit into my inner circle anymore.  People change and people grow.  Priorities change.  I have made a tremendous amount of new friends within the veteran community, many of whom I now consider close friends.  Friends matter and I will protect the ones that matter.

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