I sit here in a house I own slowly packing up the few things left in it that are mine. Tomorrow, my divorce will be final after what I’m sure will be several hours of me uncomfortably sitting in a courtroom with strangers. I am positive that I should be feeling some sort of emotion, but I’m not. I am basically moving through actions I know I should be going through. The only thing I am close to feeling is anger and my reasons for feeling angry are many but I do not want to focus on or validate them. I am trying to move past those feelings.
I am fully aware I’ve been quiet for almost a month. Between the holidays and my divorce, my stress level has been on the rise and with that seems to come a resurgence in my PTSD symptoms. While they have thankfully be mitigated with skills I learned in CPT, they have not and not will they ever really go away. Over the last few weeks, they re-manifested themselves in some unpleasant new nightmares. Nightmares mean I don’t sleep. No sleep means I am a cranky asshole to those around me. I have done my best to keep myself in check, but I am sure it has slipped out.
I bought all of this up in my one month CPT follow up the other day thinking it was not normal or that the effort I had put into CPT was wasted. Thankfully I was told it was normal, well as normal as any of this is or can be. I will survive this and strike out on my own. At this point, the only thing I can do for myself is prove to myself that I can do it. I can. I will. I am going to.
I will probably have more to say tomorrow after I am officially and legally divorced.