I won’t apologize for who I have come to be because who the hell am I if I can’t be me.
So who am I? I have been asking myself that question for a while now and I am disappointed that I do not know the answer. I know what I feel like on a day to day basis. I know that some days I feel like I am drowning from the moment I wake up until the moment my eyes close. Some days I think I feel like I am myself, or at least some form of who I think I should be. Other days I barely keep my head above water. Quite a while ago, and yes I am aware I have not been posting much, I wrote about getting off the variety of meds the VA had put me on. I wrote an entire untitled post about stuff about it. In May of last year, I stopped taking the meds against the advice of those at the VA and did just fine. I kept my head above water for a long time.
Three days ago I actually asked them to put me back on them. I am tired of just barely staying afloat. I am tired of second guessing myself. I am tired of sucking at being an adult. I am tired of forgetting simple shit. I am tired of being tired. I took nearly a month to admit to myself and convince myself to go. I made it 250 days and it pisses me off that I need them again. Yes, I realize there is nothing wrong with needing them. I have heard all the comments from those who have shared them with me. To quote myself from 250 days ago, “I needed to know who I was without them and I wanted to know. I was going to find out with or without the support of the folks at the VA.” 250 days and I still do not know that damn answer. It is elusive. It sucks and I do not like it one bit.