When you start doubting yourself, remember how far you have come. Remember everything that you have faced, all the battles you have won, and all the fears you have overcome.” – Unknown
When I first started this reconstruction journey I was hesitant to try medication for a couple of reasons. Reason number one was that I was still not 100% convinced I had a problem at that point and reason number two was that I had not heard positive things about the VA and meds. I had dove into the deep end of the veteran community that existed online at the time and a lot of people had nothing but bad things to say about the VA and how they chose to medicate veterans. Despite all that, my primary care Doctor gained enough of my trust to convince me to try them. One to help during the day, one to help during the night. They helped, and I am not entirely sure that I would have or could have made it through CPT if I was not on medication.
It’s been a little over three weeks since I stopped all my prescribed medications from the VA. Three weeks is roughly the time is takes all that medicine to completely leave your system. I wasn’t exactly sure how I would do, how I would feel or even if it was a good idea. Frankly, the combination of medications the VA had put me on, worked. Well, they worked 95% of the time and I am grateful that they did work that much. But about a month ago and somewhat impulsively, I reached a point where I no longer wanted to be on meds. I needed to know who I was without them and I wanted to know. I was going to find out with or without the support of the folks at the VA.
They decided to agree with me which made the long drawn out argument I had planned out in my head useless. I had come up with all kinds of reasons why I should be off the meds and they were all deflated with the words, “oh, I was just going to bring that possibility up to you.” With that, I was done with meds and I intend on staying done with meds. I have not noticed any adverse affects or behaviors since stopping the medicine. Nor has anyone mentioned to me that they have noticed any change in behavior or attitude. So far I believe I can say that Operation No More Meds is a success but only time will tell.
Somewhere, years ago at this point, I lost who I was. I do realize that I have changed through experiences that I have had and that contributed to loosing sight of who I was. It is time to start figuring out who I am. I am honestly not entirely sure where to start. In addition to the changes in me over the last year, changes in my life have left me pretty much with a blank canvas to start on.
The question I am asking myself is what do I want to paint?