It is all really simple at this point. We both played our parts. We both made our mistakes but after the fact, everything that happened can be broken down into a few lines of writing. There are things that I know now but never could have put my finger on then. I thought that this was something that wasn’t wrong to hide from you. The impression I got was that you did not believe that was the case. I did not understand what it is was or what was actually going on with me. How would it have been possible to really know what to share with you anyways?
You need to understand that I was scared of what I felt. How I felt and what it did to me can still turn my best days into nightmares and this is after I learned how to handle it. The truth was that it hurt far too much for me to share with anyone let alone you. I am aware that I should have been able to and I really wish I could have. I know that I should have but you genuinely never understood that I was incapable of it. It took a trained professional to even get me to process it and understand it all.
I can look back and see many things that should have been different. If I had only known what was going on with me. I know what it all is now, I can read article after article . Everything that happened and how it all went so wrong. The pain I caused. The pain I was in. The points in my life I did not think I could carry on. The points in my life you simply saved mine by being you and living yours. I could not change it then and it will not change anything now.
There is a lot of things I do not miss. There is a lot of things that cannot be undone. At this time in my life, I find that it is simple: I thought that I had found somebody who understood me. Somebody who understood me when I could not even understand myself. I was wrong in that belief because I am the only one who understands me and there are days where even I do not understand myself. It seems not that you did not really want to understand me. However, it is nobody’s fault but my own that I’m difficult to understand and I own that now.
Honestly, though, I still do not know what happened. What started the downfall? What was it that I did that ended it all? I know many things I did wrong but not what sealed the deal. What caused you to consider us a lost cause? The answer might have been right in front of me but I was too far into a cloud of utter chaos to see it. It is more that likely I will never know the answer to that question and that is my burden to bear.
Where were you when I really needed you? You shoved me into someone else hands to get help and then nothing. If I had cancer instead of PTSD, would you still have gone? Would anything have made a difference? I guess it was just too little, too late on my part. A consequence that I will add to the list of things I will live with forever. If I had been less blind, where would we be now?
Would things still have turned out the same? I can speak my mind about things now because I know what to say. It is actually getting pretty easy to talk about what is on my mind now. What would have happened if I could have spoken my mind then? Would that have changed anything? Things have gone the way they have and I will not change that. I do not choose to change that because ultimately it saved my life. Whether you will ever truly understand it or not, the one thing you need to I need you to know is that you saved my life. I have tried to find a way to say thank you but the words seem just seem so insignificant when I try to say them. You may read this, you may not.