Inside my head
Today was a very difficult day to live inside my head. All the things that I have been learning to deal with in different healthy ways decided that today was the day that they were all going to roar back into my thoughts. They also choose to do it all at once which drives me fucking nuts. It’s hard to say that there is a day that certain things do not cross my mind because the days where I am 100 percent free of what I’ll just call negative thoughts are free and far between. But the days where I am able to keep it to a minimum are growing in number.
Today l, thankfully, I was still able to work and do what I needed to do. I can usually distract myself enough to keep things at bay but today it seemed like I just had to deal with it. I have managed to isolate myself from most of my know triggers. It is a big reason I no longer work in aviation even though I love it. Today was just one of those days where it sucks to be me and I wish it was okay for me to go get drunk. Stupid conscience.
The other day in my tenth session of CPT with my Doctor intern lady brought up something that I don’t think she expected to hear. Most things have come up in discussion or in the assignments she gives me but in the ten sessions I had been seeing her or seeing anyone at the VA my anxiety about crowds and things along those lines had not come up. My goldfish memory prevents me from remembering how we got on the topic but it started with me explaining about my inability to ride the train unless I’m sitting in a seat facing backward with a wall behind me.
If there is not a seat available I have to find a spot to stand to face backward with a wall or portion behind me. As with anything, the less people around me the better. When people sit next to me on the train, they touch me. My anxiety is already through the roof when they sit next to me, when they touch me I want to jump off the train to escape. Even just now as I type this, I am standing (yes, backwards with a wall behind me) some lady is touching me because she’s standing so close. I want to reach across to the emergency door handle and open the door next to me. All to get away. I do not even care if the train is moving. That is how bad it can be.
I find it extremely difficult to explain exactly how I feel. I just know I do not feel right in crowds of people, anywhere there are strangers in close proximity to me or when strangers touch me. I am not insane, I promise. It feels painful when strangers touch me. Aside from holding a giant sign saying “Please do not touch me” there is not much I can do to prevent it. I really have thought about the sign but I am afraid of the increased attention it would bring me. I guess risking people touching me is the lesser of two evils at the moment.
I think I am going to brave the public and treat myself to dinner at a restaurant. I am supposed to be doing nice things for myself without earning it and you have no idea how difficult that is. My appointment was 4 days ago and I have not been able to come up with anything yet. (Partial truth there, I did go to bed early one night but I’m not entirely sure that counts.)