I’ll have to change my plan

Certain times in the life of an individual there are things that become unimportant and relatively pointless.  Other things find themselves placed in a different perspective and when this happens a person can begin to focus on the things that are actually important to them.  I wish I had reached this point in my life much sooner than I have.  I guess the important thing I need to take away from these past few months is that despite everything going on in my life, I have reached this point in my life.   My conscious is clear and so are my thoughts when I think about my life and where I want it to go. For that matter, when I look at where I have been, it is still clear. By moving one step at a time I will achieve what I want with the remainder of my life.  No matter how much I try not to, I know for a fact that I will hit bumps and probably a lot of them. I will take unavoidable detours as I move down the road but getting upset at those things when they happen will not change them or stop them from happening so I won’t bother getting upset about it. For me, it has become that simple.

Just a little more than a year ago I honestly thought that I had my entire world and just about everything I had wanted in my life.  These thoughts, now that I’m privileged enough to look back upon them, were disillusioned for many reasons.  I know that most of those reasons are in fact my own fault.   I had a beautiful home, I had a wife that I loved dearly and I have my beautiful children.  To me, that was my American Dream. This vision of my American Dream is one of the things I had thought about for a long time.  It was the goal I strived for.  It, like many other things in my life, was essentially a pipe dream.  It was an irrelevant pipe dream that no longer matters and I accept that now.  It was difficult to give up and part of me does wish that I did not have to give it up.  But the time came where it had to be given up and I did.

Now, I know that I have been far from a perfect person in my life and the list of things I have messed up, done wrong and generally fucked up is probably much longer than I’d care to admit.  A long time ago, I was pissed off at the world and was content on blaming others for my problems or just avoiding the blame for things I did wrong.  One day I watched someone do something that changed my perspective on things and from then on I have made every effort to accept the consequences of mistakes and things I’ve done wrong, even things not on purpose.

I came to have a reputation for being a man of my word and that became more important to me than anything that could be done to me if I did something wrong.  I know of several times in which these facts greatly reduced the amount of trouble I got in.  I now realize that at some point in the last few years certain parts of my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder affected my ability to correctly process right and wrong in some situations and 99% of the time I didn’t even realize it was happening.  It wasn’t until I started talking to a head doctor that I even made the connections.  I cannot undo the negative effects of any of my actions the last few years. I mention the last few years specifically because that seems to be when the symptoms worsened.

I am confident enough to apologize for everything I have done and have said as much to as many people as I could.  I’m grateful that most people understood and accepted my apology and I am equally saddened by the few people who did not accept it.  I am however fully accepting of their decisions not to.  You cannot please everyone apparently and some folks just do not understand that people are fully capable of changing for the better even if it is not on their preferred timeline.  Beyond that, I have given up on holding grudges against people or harboring anger towards people.  It serves me no purpose to do so and only things that benefit from things like that is my self-destruction bucket full and when my self-destruction bucket gets full, I seem to lose control.

I no longer choose to allow myself to lose control because of how it magnifies other things I have to deal with, like my PTSD.  Anger is pointless.  Grudges are pointless.  Resentment is pointless.  Self-destruction is pointless.  It is just time for me to move on. I am changing my plan to do what matters.  I should have realized this sooner.

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