I am an Introvert
So I have run across quite a few things recently regarding personality types and the like. Articles comparing different types or blogs stating how to care for certain personality types. Some have had useful information, some have belonged in the funny pages. I have known for a long time that I have an introvert personality but I decided recently to look more into it and possible connections and even susceptibility to PTSD. I have not really found any blatant connections, but I have found that many of my coping mechanisms are just amplified personality traits of an introvert personality. I have also figured out that my introvert personality really messes with my PTSD somedays, especially days where I prefer to be alone and the best thing for me and what is going on in my mind is to not be alone. It is a large challenge to my everyday life.
Some days I feel like my mind is going a hundred miles an hour while the rest of the world is going fifty. This also messes with me somedays. I take time to process things, it is another trait of an introvert personality. They need time to process things and generally, trying to demand an answer right away is just not going to work. My brain never seems to shut off, so when you add the fact that I have lots of unpleasant things in my head somedays I wonder how I even pay attention to other people.
On a separate, not personality related topic, sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if I had decided to get help earlier. I realize that compared to some my diagnosis after 7 years is quick yet compared to some others, the 7 years it took me to start getting my head back together is a long time. I also wonder what would or could have happened had I not been diagnosed when I was. I wonder if I would have or could have muddled through and thought a happy thought. My life and my PTSD is probably the toughest, weirdest and at times the most gratifying thing I’ve ever been through. I realize gratifying is a very strange word to use in conjunction with PTSD, but I know now and have learned what I can actually handle in life and to me, that is a gratifying thought. The other thing, and I have discussed this with my therapists at the VA many times, is that I’m not sure how I would have reacted had I tried to get help sooner. I honestly think I would have just driven myself farther away from reality and further away from life.
For a while, I felt that my now ex-wife was the one who was essentially the one who saved my life and convinced me to seek help. More and more as I reflect on things, she only had her self in mind with her actions and ultimately used me and my diagnoses as the leading (and pretty much only) reason for the failure of our marriage. The truth is, she had nothing to do with it. I know in my heart that had I not wanted to seek treatment, nothing she said would have changed my mind. I know that I saved my own life. I know that the quick and well-intentioned response from my primary care Doc at the VA helped turn my life around. I know that the two highly skilled and highly caring counselors/therapists/inserttheiractualtitlehere helped save my life. I know that my family, even when I am sure they had no honest clue what to do with me or a true understanding of what was going on, they helped me save my own life. I know most importantly of all, two twin boys who have nothing but love for me in their heart are the real reasons I still walk this earth.