So I’m curious how often I can keep writing for this blog. Curious how often I will be moved to write something and curious how often I will like what I wrote enough to share it with the world. I’ve been writing a lot lately, but something’s that I write never see the light of day because I dislike what I wrote. For me to share something, I feel it needs to provide some substance to people who might read it. Maybe it is as simple as providing insight into my life or for another post, maybe it is as simple as sharing a part of my story to prevent someone else from making a mistake I’ve made. It all depends on my mood and what it sounds like when I read it back. I do not want to just write for writing’s sake or to just share for sharing sake. At this point in life, I just want what I write to have a meaning.
My life is currently a struggle every day. I struggle for both good reasons and bad reasons. I struggle with internal pressures and external pressures. It is difficult to pinpoint the cause of some struggles, while the cause of others struggles is blatantly obvious. One of my biggest problems is that people care about me and because they care about me they voice their opinions. Please don’t get me wrong. I know some of those people are reading this and to those people, I say that if I didn’t want to hear it I would simply say so. Truth be told, much of the advice and opinions shared with me is extremely helpful. Somethings are weighted against my thoughts and evaluated in this long drawn out process my mind insists I take. Others frankly…are irrelevant. But I’m thankful that people care enough about me to share and voice their opinions with me.
Let me be honest with you for a minute. Let me be honest with myself for that matter. I don’t like myself. I don’t like who I am right now. On this day, at this time, I don’t like me. For as negative as that sounds, it’s not meant to be a negative statement. I can’t honestly say that I like who I am. I don’t like the fact that I have PTSD. I hate the fact I’m divorced. I despise the things I’ve done to other people over the last few years. That is why I don’t like who I am right now. But on the lighter side things I know more about myself now then I have in a long time. I understand, well beginning to understand how and why I do and have done things. That’s important to me. I understand that this stuff is not going away. I get that. I accept that. I will live with that. But at least I can say that I know better ways to deal with things. Understanding the why behind things makes things so, so much better. I won’t say easy, because it is all far from that. But I will say it’s better.
So back to my original question, how long can I keep writing for this blog? The simple answer is as long as I have something to write about and I don’t see myself running out of things to write about anytime soon. My life is full of all kinds of fun stuff to write about. I’ll keep writing as long as I have something to say and even if its only one person, I will keep writing as long as someone reads it.