Here I go again

Here I go again.  No matter how much I try to calm my mind, my overly analytical mind, I’m failing miserably.  I’ve been stuck in thinking mode for the last few hours, well, all day really, but more intensely the last few hours.  I’ve learned that this is a side effect of PTSD and a rather annoying one at that.  I’ve always had a somewhat over-analytical mind, but it has gotten so much worse and it almost makes me miserable.  So what is it that my mind has been focused on?  My kids.

I am finding one aspect of divorce to be quite difficult and I really do not think I like it.  Every time that I leave them or they leave me depending on the situation, I feel like my heart is ripping open.  What’s worse is that I feel like something bad will happen when I am not around.  It has absolutely nothing to do with their mother. I may not like her very much somedays but she is a good mother.  I honestly associate it with my hypervigilance and general mistrust.  Two more glorious symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder.  It is annoying how many ways this shit can affect your life.

It is 2338 right now, just looked at the clock on my phone.  I purposely have no other method of telling time in my room.  Clocks really mess with my sleep.  Right now I am having a problem falling asleep because as you have just read, my mind is in overdrive.  I love my kids.  As I have stated in a previous post, they are my world and they are the reason I am alive.  Divorce is far from a liberating experience.  The effects that it might possibly have on them truly concerns me. It does not ever seem that it is the lawyers, the friends, or even the parents who have to pay the price of divorce.  It is the children.  I know that many children of divorce lead normal and happy lives.  I am just overly concerned that mine will not.

The reality is that I have felt empty since my ex-wife started the divorce process. I had a tremendous about of crap going on when it started and a divorce just piled on more crap. I tried coming to terms with divorce and the vague promises of freedom and excitement only to see them evaporate into the grim realities of day-to-day living, survival and my already stressful battle with PTSD.  My therapist has informed me that I meet a crap ton of stressors that can lead to suicide and that I am handling them extremely well.  Even so, we did up a plan to prevent it.  It is my kids who have stopped those thoughts from floating around my head.

I am concerned, however, that in addition to the effects that the divorce can have on them, that my PTSD will affect them.  I cannot get the thoughts that my kids might someday suffer because of my shortcomings, problems and overall crappy outlook on life at the moment. Divorce might be a release from one difficult situation, but in my case, it is also an entrance into a bigger more difficult situation.

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