Happy 4th

Seem to have a lot on my mind tonight. Not really sure why to be honest. Had a relaxing weekend. Went away on a mini vacation to Mystic. Had a small family gathering Sunday and got to spend extra time with my boys this weekend. So why am I anxious? Why is my mind in overdrive? Oh. Wait. Pretty sure I know. It is the fireworks going on in celebration of my favorite holiday. No. It is not the fireworks themselves that have me anxious. Loud, unexpected noises raise my anxiety level. Really, anything like loud noises, lack of sleep, stress, etc.., immediately raises my anxiety level, and all anxiety seems to affect me in the same manner.

Anxiety is a definitive trigger for me. It sucks sometimes. A person can just walk into the room without me noticing. A train horn can sound. Fireworks I am not expecting can do it. None of it is intentionally done by anyone but it gets to me none the less. I know for a fact that fireworks affect some folks far more than it does me. But they still get to me.

So. Aside from that, what else is on my mind? Things that I frankly just have no idea what to do about. Not really even sure I can do anything about some of them. I really feel like, and this is probably for the first time in about 7-8 months, that I am just along for the ride. Since I became aware enough of my issues, the one thing I have constantly disliked and put tremendous effort avoiding is that “along for the ride” feeling. I guess you can call me somewhat of a control freak about certain aspects of my life.

When your short-term memory seems to suck some days it becomes very easy for people in the know about my life to essentially get one over on me. I try to write as much down as possible but it does not help when people with questionable morals know they can convince you your still wrong. What short-term memory issues you ask? Well if you read almost any article dealing with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder you will see and read about short-term memory issues amongst the symptoms and this is due to PTSD’s effects on the hippocampus. It sucks.

It really sucks some days.