I have to say that this evening was probably one of the worst evenings I have had in a long time. It is even more difficult to say that knowing that the night is not over yet. Some things hit home today and they hit home much harder than I expected them too. I have found myself in one hell of an emotional sea saw. One moment I felt angry enough that I wanted to destroy things and I had a hard time preventing myself from doing so. Thankfully I was able to. The next moment I found myself quite sad. Sadder than I have felt in recent memory. Sad enough to break through the self-control I have developed over the years.
I found myself unable to hold back my tears and just found my emotions taking control. The moment I found myself in control again, I was angry again. All evening I have just been going back and forth. It is draining and I wish that I did not feel this way. With one set of emotions come others I have fought to control. It is like someone opened the floodgates and I do not know how to close them at the moment. I really, really want to close them.
Today if finally hit me exactly what has happened to me in the last year and even as I type this I am having difficulty focusing and controlling the emotional responses to my thoughts. My ex-wife has completed her move out of the home we bought together and while I wait for someone to decide to purchase the house, I am responsible for it. At the behest of my parents, I was over at the house cleaning up and organizing the few things I have left there. Each empty room brought back a flood of memories about happy times I had with my kids and even with my ex-wife. Regardless of negative things that happened in that house, all I could think of were happy things.
Happy things made me sad because they won’t happen there again. Not in that house. Not as a family. Not as my complete family. I have lost that because I was too stubborn to admit what was wrong with me. Regardless of what transpired, my initial inaction caused the chain reactions leading to today. Even though I know exactly how far I have come in the last year, how much better I have gotten, knowing what I have lost is taking a toll on me today. I know full well that I will make many happy new memories with my boys.
Someday those memories will be made in a new house. Someday maybe those new happy memories might even be made with a future significant other. But for the moment it is hard to see past now. Past today. Past the sadness and knowledge of where and how I cannot make new memories. I honestly thought myself indifferent to my divorce and what was going on. Maybe it was because I was focused on therapy and dealing with my own personal demons. That seems as good of an explanation as any other I can come up with. I just wish that it did not hit me at all. If I could have avoided feeling, I would be much better.
It is twelve am, correction, 12:01 am and I have far too much on my mind to sleep. Everything I have done to distract myself only provides momentary relief before its overwhelmed by thoughts. I try something else and I just get pulled back. It is exhausting to battle myself like this. One would think that exhaustion would lead to sleep. Obviously, my mind did not get this memo. Hopefully, this goes away soon. Hopefully, the house sells soon. Hopefully, I can move on. Hope. Lots of hope here. I would prefer something logical. Some facts. Something for sure. But all I have is guesses and unknowns. Having only that is making me extremely uncomfortable and I can feel my anxiety growing.