Don’t get me wrong

It seems like I have been dealing with PTSD for so long now that some of my symptoms have gone seemingly dormant, I feel off. I don’t feel like myself and even though I know that is not me, that PTSD is not me. I feel like something is wrong because I do not see my days overshadowed by a sense of impending doom. Do not get me wrong, the fact that my symptoms are very low key right now is definitely a good thing. I know without being told by anyone that it means I am getting better and that is what I know is best for me and deep inside I know that is what I want.

I guess I am just finding certain things different and make me feel out of place. It is weird to me to be navigating the world and not be on constant guard. I still have my moments but I am better and it feels a little scary. I believe I had just grown accustomed to being hyper-vigilant all the time. To not being able to relax. I do not feel like something bad is going to happen every moment I am around others. I still do some of the time. It’s generally obvious when you see my leg shaking or constant fidgeting. It is getting easier though.

Overall, these are all things that I had been dealing with for over seven years. They had become a part of who I am without my permission or my knowledge. It is only recently that I have started to feel better. I did not even feel totally okay after finishing CPT. Some days I feel fine and here is where I get confused with myself. Some days I do not seem to have a single thought about what happened. Not feeling that anger, that sadness, that frustration, it is all so foreign to me. I guess it is just something I will have to get used too.

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