I seem to have been distracted for the last two weeks or so. Maybe it’s the holidays. I dunno. I have not forgotten about writing here and I doubt I ever will. However, I do believe that I will set myself a schedule to post at least once a week. I’m going to shoot for Friday’s. So that is my admin note for the day. On to the writing.
Essentially, standby for some random writing. I’m only now beginning to understand how destructive my symptoms/ behaviors have been to my relationships and I mean in all senses of the word relationship; romantic, career, family…
If things get uncomfortable or boring for me, I retreat and self-isolate, I seek distractions and if things get painful I dissociate. I also find that I dissociate in a different way if I’m concentrating on nerdy distractions. My name has to be called several times before I hear it, and I’m “not really there” for sometime after I do respond, for example, I won’t remember the context of what we were last speaking about. In a work context, I might have an important question for someone, have to wait a short while to speak to them, float off during that wait, and then be completely disorientated when they are available (I used to get hideously embarrassed by that and seek to avoid that person after it had happened).
I can see now, how that came across to my ex-wife at the time as me not caring or being moody and unavailable, and eventually as abandonment.
Anyone still reading? oh well, I’ll carry on anyway.
A great deal of the time, the voices in my heads have conversations, they will argue, debate and sometimes even come to a consensus. They blame, they comfort, they say cruel things and even funny things. Today, well today there is silence in my head along with a spacey numb feeling and I just want to sleep or at least go to bed and pull the covers over my head. I feel sad and empty like I pushed someone away.
I guess I am going to go to sleep now.