Alone in a crowded room?

Alone in a Crowded Room

 

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” Eleanor Roosevelt

Over the last few years, my expectations of living a life people would consider normal have been thrown out the window and run over with a mack truck.  Anyone who has expectations for my life can also go to hell if you believe in that sort of thing.  I don’t. My life isn’t normal. I care and I don’t care.

So. On another note, I dislike large crowds.  Especially alone. Sometimes I can handle them if I am with people who can (most of the time) keep me distracted. (They often do so without the realization of how much I am leaning on them.) What it boils down to, is that I’ve developed the ability to seem hunky dory on the outside while feeling totally panicked and isolated on the inside.  I hate the feeling and I find it kind of cliche to say but I can be alone in a room of 5000 people.  Lost inside my head barely aware of what’s going on around me. Every unintentional bump from a stranger sending me further into a panic.

That brings me today.  Yesterday I ventured out to the “Big E” in Massachusetts with my Parents and my niece.   I believe I can normally function pretty well when the large crowds are outside.  I don’t feel so crazy inside.  Much of the Big E is outside or in large buildings and my niece can provide a great distraction when inside some of the larger buildings.  Most of the day I was fine.  We were there for about 5 hours in total, had lunch and snacks from the vendors.  About two hours before we left, we went into a smaller building with crafty stuff and the building was overly packed and I found myself going into a crazy panicky overdrive.  I proceeded to the exit as soon as possible and we continued about our day.  What is unusual about it is that 1) I can normally spot situations when I’m likely to react and 2) several hours after the fact I find myself still on edge and very anxious.

That’s what bothers me.  My inability to calm down afterward.  I normally can.  This time I cannot and I’m anti-anxiety meds.  Which is suppose to help in these situations.  Fighting these battles just leaves me mentally and physically exhausted.  I know sleep will call me down, but it’s hours yet before I’ll have my chance at that.  I have my minions tonight and this weekend so I have to keep my happy and normal face on while they are awake.  It’s important that I do so.  So why do I do?  What would you do?

My solution to all of this?  I’m going to work on getting a service dog.  Forget people.  They just bother me and most don’t understand.

Over the last few years, my expectations of living a life people would consider normal have been thrown out the window and run over with a mack truck.  Anyone who has expectations for my life can also go to hell if you believe in that sort of thing.  I don’t. My life isn’t normal. I care and I don’t care.

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