A glimpse into my mind
Today I am fighting the urge to run away to the wilderness and avoid life all together. Life is peaceful without the interaction with other human beings. It is not uncommon for a veteran plagued with PTSD to desire a solitary life in the mountains. I think the Adirondack Mountain’s is the ideal locale for me – far away and quiet. Darn rug-rats keep me here. They keep me happily stuck here in Connecticut. They make being stuck here in Stratford worth it. If it was not for their presence, I likely would have gone the route of Christopher “Alexander Supertramp” McCandless and roamed the country.
I believe I was born to run. It is one of the reasons I think I joined the Navy after high school. New places to go, new things to see and I did not have to stay in one place for too long. If I stay in one spot too long I get uncomfortable. How do you run when the things that keep you grounded cannot come with you. I used to get happy when I would walk into work and be told I was on the next COD out to go rescue an airplane that broke down at some random airport in some random place. I guess those days are gone. Not really sure how to replace my itch to bolt with something healthy.
Not even sure it is possible, but I will sure try. Do you know what else sucks? Memories. Not getting into the specific ones, but they can be ever so clear. Memories are like that. They bring you to places that once where real, good or bad. Moments in time, their seemingly eternal nature betrayed only by the future that has followed those memories. That’s future is of course my now and some of my past already. For as well I am handling things, time is inching closer to a date I do not want to experience anymore. Last year I had just started everything and had all kinds of help. Even had an appointment, two actually, very close.
Kinda did that on purpose but I still felt horrible on that day. While at the VA yesterday I talked about this concern, fear, problem, whatever you want to call it and it was explained that I was “Catastrophizing.” I guess there are two ways to Catastrophize something and I am falling under the second kind of Catastrophizing. While it is closely linked to the first, it is more mental and more future oriented.This kind of occurs when we look to the future and anticipate all the things that are going to go wrong. We then create a reality around those thoughts and because we believe something will go wrong, we make it go wrong.
So now my challenge is to change the future.