When do you draw the line?
When do you draw the line between something that matters in your mind but in reality, is none of your business at this point? If you decide to draw the line, where is it? What portions of your internal monologue get repeated and what portions do you continue to keep to yourself? There are things in my mind I wish I could control. I find myself with two separate and distinct paths. Two completely separate trains of thought. One that I know is logical, correct and justified. The other, a distorted reality corrupted by years of my brain allowing my thoughts to take the long way around my mind. I know one path is correct. I continue to battle the second to remind myself that I know the thoughts are distorted. Where do I draw the line to satisfy both paths?
I have placed a significant investment in myself in my efforts to learn how to control something that is not really ever going to go away. I have written before about the tools that I have learned to help cope. A misconception I seem to notice amongst people is that someone with PTSD gets cured. Well. It does not. You learn healthy ways to deal with it. You learn to recognize patterns of thought that you know are incorrect.
You cannot always stop the negative thoughts or the self-doubt. When PTSD wants to pull certain strings, it can move you like a puppet. What you end up learning to do is challenge the puppet master and cut the strings. But just because you cut the strings does not mean that the puppet master gives up. Sometimes he just sits in the background yelling in his loud voice hoping that you will just give up and reconnect his strings so he can control you again.
I realize that I am being vague in my explanation. It is on purpose. Some problems are my business. At the same time, I need to voice my thoughts to get them to stop playing on repeat in my mind. So that is what this is. This is me getting the thoughts out of my head. Thoughts about my life, my interactions with those around me. Thoughts about how I should feel about certain life events.
I know, mainly because I have spent a tremendous amount of time thinking about it, that I am far better off where I am in my life now than I was before. It becomes difficult to write what I want to now. If I were to continue to put words to paper (or this blog) things would become transparent so I pretty much have to stop here.
Until next time.