Crowded Train = BAD


I take the train because I hate traffic more than I do the people in the train. I can generally turn up my tunes and block out the other people. I know others, mainly a coworker with similar life experiences to mine, who are completely the opposite than I am. But anyways. Here I am thinking I have a great handle on things when it comes to strangers and being in public….

Then I make an attempt to ride the train this morning. I knew before hand that the train would be crowded. Thanks to a fire in NYC some tracks were closed and trains were operating on a limited schedule. Don’t like that. As you can tell from the photo, that was what awaited me on the platform when I got to the train station. Still, I thought I was good to go and I waited in the crowd to get on the train. Still doing okay. Train arrives. Train, my normal train that I take every day, is packed to the gills with people. I still got this. I follow the crowd onto the train like a herd of penguins.

Hmmm. People are standing in the isles. No open seats. Wait…is that people standing in the bathroom? I am starting not like this. Turn the music up and let’s pretend all these people aren’t here. Hey, look… The doors are closing. I no longer like this. I need to get off the train. I cannot get off the train. People on the way. Getting off in between stations is probably frowned upon. I guess I’m going to Bridgeport. I can make it one stop. Then I will call and get a ride and then drive to work. Forget this stupid insanity.

“Attention all passengers, due to overcrowding this is now an express train to South Norwalk….blah blah blah…”

Umm. Okay so I’m stuck in this insanity until South Norwalk? This may not end well but at least is close enough to to work.

“For all those needing local stops to blah blah blah a new train is leaving the yard in Bridgeport and will be a few minutes behind this train and will stop in blah blah blah..”

I am getting the heck of this train in Bridgeport. If there are not people on the next train, I’ll take it to work.

That gibberish is only a fraction of what was going they my mind this morning. I do not want to be near people I don’t know today. I do not want to ride the train today. Probably not tomorrow either. I do not like the train right now. I do not want to like the train tomorrow either.

Some positive that I can take away from this mornings unpleasant adventures is that I seem to have developed a willingness to try things I know would likely cause issues and trigger certain thoughts and behaviors. I also learned I know when the previous statement was a bad idea and it’s time to get the heck out of dodge. 15 minutes of pure insanity nearly made me go crazy.

Untitled Post about stuff


When you start doubting yourself, remember how far you have come. Remember everything that you have faced, all the battles you have won, and all the fears you have overcome.” – Unknown

When I first started this reconstruction journey I was hesitant to try medication for a couple of reasons. Reason number one was that I was still not 100% convinced I had a problem at that point and reason number two was that I had not heard positive things about the VA and meds. I had dove into the deep end of the veteran community that existed online at the time and a lot of people had nothing but bad things to say about the VA and how they chose to medicate veterans. Despite all that, my primary care Doctor gained enough of my trust to convince me to try them. One to help during the day, one to help during the night. They helped, and I am not entirely sure that I would have or could have made it through CPT if I was not on medication.
But anyways…

It’s been a little over three weeks since I stopped all my prescribed medications from the VA. Three weeks is roughly the time is takes all that medicine to completely leave your system. I wasn’t exactly sure how I would do, how I would feel or even if it was a good idea. Frankly, the combination of medications the VA had put me on, worked. Well, they worked 95% of the time and I am grateful that they did work that much. But about a month ago and somewhat impulsively, I reached a point where I no longer wanted to be on meds. I needed to know who I was without them and I wanted to know. I was going to find out with or without the support of the folks at the VA.  

They decided to agree with me which made the long drawn out argument I had planned out in my head useless. I had come up with all kinds of reasons why I should be off the meds and they were all deflated with the words, “oh, I was just going to bring that possibility up to you.” With that, I was done with meds and I intend on staying done with meds. I have not noticed any adverse affects or behaviors since stopping the medicine. Nor has anyone mentioned to me that they have noticed any change in behavior or attitude. So far I believe I can say that Operation No More Meds is a success but only time will tell.

Somewhere, years ago at this point, I lost who I was. I do realize that I have changed through experiences that I have had and that contributed to loosing sight of who I was. It is time to start figuring out who I am. I am honestly not entirely sure where to start. In addition to the changes in me over the last year, changes in my life have left me pretty much with a blank canvas to start on. 

The question I am asking myself is what do I want to paint?