Same dream, new cast


Little more than a week ago, an ambulance backed into my car and managed to set off the airbags. I had kids in the car and while the damage to the car was not that serious, the airbags going off lead that car to be totaled. Before I get to the positive from that, there is some negative that came with it that I frankly was not expecting. My oldest twin boy was in the back seat, thankfully on the opposite side of the damage and the airbag deployment. I left him and his older brother in the car thinking it was safer given the location while I got out and attended to things. I was just out of the car long enough to get around back when I looked forward to John screaming and crying. He thought the car was on fire and that I left him in there. My car was not on fire, but the smokey air venting out of the airbags was enough to make it seem like it. My heart broke seeing the look on his face and I got him out that car extremely quickly. I am pretty sure I hugged the fear out of him because after a few minutes he was back to his normal self and preoccupied with everything going on.

Why do I mention all this? Aside from my broken heart from what I perceive as a poor decision, my illustrious brain has chosen to make some unintended connections between this event and a previous event in my life. It is a connection that I really do not like. Over time, I have had certain repetitive dreams about the events surrounding my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. They became so routine that when I started taking meds to help prevent them, I actually came to miss those dreams. For the most part, between the meds and the changes in my life and how I deal with things, I only seem to have nightmares when I am dealing with an increased amount of stress. (Stress as a whole seems to cause my symptoms to surface.) One of these dreams has come back the last week or so and while the events of the dream are mostly the same as before, the cast of characters in this dream changed. It gained a passenger and now, in addition to seeing 3 other lives end, a fourth life perished in a cloud of smoke. It is very unpleasant and very unnerving to see your child die and I hope it is an event I never have to live in real life. As unpleasant as these dreams have been, they need to stay as dreams because I honestly do not think I would be able to handle it if it were reality.

Despite how uncomfortable the dreams are, I am fascinated with the manner in which the human mind works. I have read a tremendous amount of material on how the human brain is affected by trauma and tragedy. The one part I cannot get a handle on is my triggers. I know some of mine. I think I have them under control, then my brain makes some cockeyed connection between completely unrelated events. It kinda makes what I have learned, seem irrelevant and useless. Having addressed that, there are some positives that came out of this situation. I have found that relinquishing some things from my life makes it easier to move on. Somethings just came with memories I really do not want to be reminded of on a daily basis. My black Jetta had both good and bad memories, and I wanted none of either to be honest. I was not, nor was I in, a place to get rid of that car. It was almost paid off and good memories or bad, I was going to drive that car until I did not have an option to anymore. In steps an ambulance driver who didn’t know how to back up out of a parking spot.

 

Now, thanks to that ambulance driver, some airbags, and my insurance company, I have a new truck. A little smaller than my old Chevy Silverado, but I am very happy with my new GMC Sierra. My boys love it. I look forward to creating a lot of new memories with them and that truck.

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